a place for tolerated expansion

the texxxt

sedena — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:16:45 +0000

A: I wish you were here

B: sexually or companionly?

A: both

A: im broken and lonely

B: so what, you want me to lick your wounds?

A: as fucked up as it sounds yes

B: its not fucked up

B: obviously you know me too well cause I love to nurture

A: and I miss it

B: well describe these wounds I am to lick

A: crushed thumb, other hand messed up, aching penis and balls, and back of the ear

B: back of the ear?

A: yea drives me crazy

B: really

A: yea haven’t you ever had anyone nibble and suck on your ears

B: well yea but it doesn’t really do anything for me

A: well its hit and miss for everyone, but it drives me wild

A: how bout this, we share and ill lick you wherever you want

B: I don’t really know where I like to be licked

A: well we’ll figure it out

B: you want to explore me?

A: why, should I not?

B: no you should, I just didn’t know you wanted to

A: I want to make you cum

A: if you were here right now I would rip of your clothes

A: the things I want to try with you are almost inappropriately unmentionable

B: really

A: I feel physically eager with you
B: do you remember when you called out my name?

A: yea, and I remember thinking how amazing it felt to inside of you

B: yeah I am like an oven, a sauna

A: haha yes you are, you are blessed

A: so, why are you going back to XXXXXX

B: just xxxxx xxxxxx xx xx xxxxxxxxxx

A: oh I was hoping you were moving back

B: why you gonna plan a mystery visit

A: maybe

A: was hoping you could stop by for a couple days or so

B: so bad

A: I know but I can’t ask you to now that I know you’re still with him, but I can’t ask you not to either J

B: I cant, besides I don’t think you’d like that kind of girl anyway

A: Understandable but even if you did that I feel like you wouldn’t do the same if we were together

A: I know you love me

A: also we have great sex together so you wouldn’t have to

B: can’t stay serious too long can you?

A: hell no

the standstill of 6am

sedena — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:02:26 +0000

I was prosing in my head earlier while buttering my bagel getting it ready for the black raspberry jam that was to come. It was about how in this pleasant-ness if currently find my senses I have nothing. “and that’s the funny thing about depression,” I would mutter in my brain, “that even when I would sit down to write, regardless of how intimidating the blank page my be I always have something to say.” Strange. How I almost feel, words search me, dry, empty, not exactly. More like standstill: a state of cessation of movement or action; halt; stop: dead end, deadlock, impasse, stalemate, stand. And its comfortable and that’s exactly what is so scary about it. Im comfortable in my nothingness, the fact that I don’t really have anything physical to call my own or attribute to me as an individual of this consumer-nation-state. No job, a residence yes, but one that ive felt a guest of since adam.

And what’s worse, somehow, is that there’s a spirit in this house that’s more restless than I could even imagine. He has to be. Never interacting with those around you, those you share space with, as to be exhausting, to keep up that front.

And I begin to scratch my arm pits for my sensitive skin does not like to be shaved on a constant basis but as ive grown my hormones decide upon the speed of which the hair in question is to grow – a constant struggle.

my existence as student concerns

sedena — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 22:12:57 +0000

he came home and checked his bank account, so i got in trouble. “I’m just disappointed,” he said. we had angry make up sex, he pulled out right before i orgasmed, little twat, totally did it on purpose. now im on the hunt for jobs for real. talked to a man named Turner for quite some time, well he talked and i listened, as it would be he is an architect after all. he had some confusion and concern for my referring to my studies as Interior Architecture as this does not really exist as of yet. but it will. one day. oh yes, it will.

oh my man, god damn!

sedena — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:37:11 +0000

he called finally from germany. turns out two jets were in the same base at the same time and their missions got switched. so instead of him coming home to me yesterday like he should have he went to another country then germany. but he wouldn’t be gone more than another two days! which is nice. he’s taking me on a shopping spree when he gets back! sweet!!

fuck this shit

sedena — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 04:41:46 +0000

it’s 12:30 am. he never called. he was supposed to get back today. now i just have to wait and i feel so helpless and restless and i don’t know what to do with myself. i can’t sleep, i can’t eat. i have nothing to do. i took myself out to a movie to escape from the love birds and bide some time. did nothing. i mean the movie was fun i cried and laughed histerically. but now what. im not worried. i know he’s totally fine. he’s in surprisingly good hands with the stupid government. but im tired of going to bed without him.

list a

sedena — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 05:51:57 +0000

ink for home printer
transport all page files to small jump
1. take to fedex/kinkos
2. experiment with 8/11 versus 11/17
go to large bookstore/journal/sketchbook store
clean kitchen
edit resume
create portfolio website
create portfolio for third year
find/remake portfolio for studio 7

in travels, forgot to bookmark page

it seems my spanish michael isn’t so keen on the arm sleeve so might have to side with peacock feather across right hip for now.

rules based on feeling

sedena — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 05:37:00 +0000

am starting, slowly, to get my ass in gear. i found a wonderful website to host an actual portfolio. or something like it. yes i need the hard copy of all of the things ive ever done but so much of my graphics look a million times better on the screen as they were intended that its just too beautiful and easy an opportunity to look that up and put a website on my resume – that needs to be condensed by the way. i should make a list, because all the thoughts of the stuff that needs to be done im allowing to cloud my brain and tire me into laziness. its stupid and i need to stop. lists are my friends, they always have been. and i need to go to a journal store tomorrow morning, find a nice big fat one to start documenting my life here. and buy some ink for that printer that my spanish michael says “doesn’t work,”
“what’s wrong with it, maybe i can figure it out”
“it just won’t print”
“why not?”
“i needs ink or something”
but the idea of me going out and buying ink for some reason didn’t do it for him. whatever ill do it anyway. thats my way these days just force myself upon the situation to solve it and make it go somewhere. like the game we used to play when i was in the Alaska Youth Theater. you start by asking questions or saying strange things, whatever, but the object of the game is to never say no, keep it going, sort of like what they do in Who’s Line Is It Anyway. thats my sort of theory or moto, no, more like a template for life right now, gotta keep it going.

beautiful pests

sedena — Sun, 24 May 2009 05:11:42 +0000

i know what i want tattooed on my body

lace bugs

Lace bugs are usually detected when their damage to the leaves of host plants becomes evident. The nymphs and adults live on the lower surface of leaves and suck juices through slender, piercing mouthparts. This produces yellow or whitish spots on the upper surface of the leaf. As the insects feed, they deposit a hard, varnish-like excrement onto the leaf surface. These are called tar spots or resin spots.

-http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/2000/2150.html

sunday @ one

sedena — Sun, 24 May 2009 05:09:20 +0000

but yoiu know what, i needed that scar tissue. i had been outside of my translucent skin so many times to see that it was weak and easily penetrable that i knew i needed to be self destructive for a little while, to build it up. that scar tissue doesn’t feel the way the old stuff does. especially if its over your heart, makes certain things easier. i suppose harder when it should but thats be sides the point. i have found another soul mate. that makes four over all.

sunday. lola. barbara-jean. & now, magda.

i finally have a full four. perfect. beautiful.

and we talk. its sad but i can’t wait for the boys to go back to work again so we can sit and have our pot talks. i need her. for they will sure to be sorely missed. besides. i kinda like having a friend that my spanish michael will never like. makes my little rebel inside weep with joy.

and thats why i smoke the cancer. he should never of told me he doesn’t like it when women smoke. and now that i think about it, that he doesn’t like big tattoos on women, thinks they look trashy, ha!

future planning

sedena — Mon, 18 May 2009 20:29:20 +0000

scanning UC Berkeley’s school website for my honey’s possible education. What do you think? Bachelors in Music, Masters in Education = Music Professor (his goal).

UC Berkeley

For Me:

Masters in Architecture
Specifically a Masters in Landsape Architecture & Environmental Planning
Possibly Master of Arts in Design: ‘The design program is intended for students who wish to pursue an original creative/research project.’

For My Miguel:

Bachelors in Music with a minor in Education
Masters in Education

Language and Literacy, Society and Culture
Cognition and Development